My Faith Journey

When my dad heard my mom was pregnant with me in the mid 1940’s he said, “I could have done without that”… not easy news for a man with an 8th grade education, barely making ends meet with three children, one of which had severe physical disabilities. My sense of worthlessness and insecurity were very much the driving forces in my life. And dad’s hot temper and deeply felt emotions were the traits I took as my own. Strange as it may seem, in this ambiguous atmosphere, I knew Dad loved God and was a believer in Jesus. In my mirroring of Dad I wanted his faith but my troubling doubts of value kept me in that state of worthlessness. How could God love this strong willed, explosive, insecure person? I had no peace. In the early years of my married life I attempted to resolve the ambivalence and experienced a spiritual surrender of self to Jesus BUT my rebelliousness kept me wandering. I wanted life my way. So, the doubts of worth continued. The Bible says in Psalm 40 "...He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along." I began to take these words personally. I began to believe God does care about my day to day existence. Yet, I was SO rebellious. So, God took the initiative. In 1999 – I had a growth in my brain causing life changing health issues. I believe GOD TOUCHED MY BRAIN AND SAID – “I WANT YOUR ATTENTION.” Although the rebellious issues still taunt me, more of His Words keep me centered: Psalm 51:1 “Be gracious to me, God, according to YOUR loving kindness; according to the greatness of YOUR compassion, blot out my wrong doings.” Again and again God’s timing in my life has been impeccable…I am so glad HE took the initiative because in 2005 our son married and in 2008 and 2011 our two grand children were born. What I would be missing if I continued my rebellious wanderings! There are three things that convince me most of God’s love: Our complex universe; the complex design of my mind and body and the moral code I have regarding right and wrong. For me, these needed a creator. And this Creator personally loves me beyond any love I’ve ever known. --- Gini Walker