Sometimes, like right now, I feel like if I were at the end of life, waiting to enter heaven and I came face to face with Jesus, He would say to me "You may have had everyone fooled, but you didn't fool me. I know your heart. I know your self-centered thoughts. I know your doubts. I know your anger. You are not worthy to come into my Kingdom." But, Jesus...I asked you into my heart. I confessed to you. I, I, I, I etc etc etc. And He will turn me away.
My "faith" is such a roller coaster. I have the most amazing, awesome times "with God". Then, I am DEPRESSED, like now!!! I keep reading help books about the Christian life --- what it is SUPPOSED to look and sound like. I strive for that. I want to be real with Jesus (so I say).
Then I have moments like now. I come home from Bible study. I am so tired! I know the self-centered thoughts I had. I just can't seem to escape ME. Everywhere I go, I am there! Right now I feel like Sunday morning worship is SO FLAT. We "do" church. The music is nice. The sermons are usually "good" I think the people are so special. But, as I think about it now, I think, "where was Jesus?" We have a worship guide. How strange is that! Why do we have to have a guide? I feel like we "do church" and at the end of life Jesus will look at us and say, "you had everyone fooled, but you didn't fool me" I HATE this dark place of thinking. I just don't want to hear Jesus say that to me.
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