I wrote this to Pastor Eric in September, 2019
I
am in a "dark place of the soul". I had tears running down my face
through most of Sunday morning worship...couldn't stay for Communion.
This
relates a bit to your message - the OK goal to set for getting through
this life unscathed and desiring that those we love in our family will
do the same. And, yet having that higher goal of obedience to our LORD.
Lately
it feels like I am on an emotional and spiritual roller coaster. Last
week God and I had an amazing time together as He worked on my negative
attitude. The details were a "God sighting" that sure lifted my
spirits. Then Charlie shared very soon after that an experience he had
and with tears said the same thing: "A God sighting" It was as if God
"showed up" at our house to give us a special part of Himself.
Then
the very next day, the bottom dropped out. It is amazing what an 8
year old can do to cause such pain in the heart. A prayer I have been
expressing to God is for Landon and Kyla, our grand children. Sure, I
pray over my "list" about them - every area of their lives I can think
of. But, of late I have been saying to God and focusing on: I want MORE
THAN ANY THING for His favor and call to faith on their lives, and that
they will say YES to Him. I want more than life itself, to see them in
heaven. Before I depart this world it would be nice to see them come to
Jesus in faith...but this timing may not occur.
The
difficulties with Kyla build and build and my heart hurts and I've been
expressing lots of frustration and anger in unrelated areas. The
outbursts of anger are symptoms of unresolved issues. Anyway, enough of
that. It is just that yesterday was dark. I finally started to have
my quiet time this morning and instead of talking to God, I am talking
to you. I'm probably mad at Him. But right now, I don't want to
participate in our Women's Bible study and I don't want to come to
church. Sometimes I feel like, "why bother". It is amazing when God
"shows" up but these days of silence and darkness are nearly unbearable.
It
is sad how family issues affect everyone...right now we (Charlie and I)
are feeling at odds with Brian and Kelsi. It isn't so much what is
said, but what isn't said. Brian and Kelsi have another "child" - a 16
year old niece of Kelsi's living with them, probably for a few more
years. She was in an abusive home situation and ran away to Brian and
Kelsi. It is a LONG and complicated story. No doubt Landon and Kyla
are being affected by this and we certainly are.
I
am reminded of Jesus' words in John 16:33 about troubles in this
world. I certainly know the troubles He speaks of are far greater than
what I've expressed. But, if I can't deal with my little troubles, how
will I respond to the real ones? Thanks for being my safe place to
share. Gini
No comments:
Post a Comment